How To Struggle ?

It's not about how may times you fall but about how many times you wake up and face it with your brightest smile right?

So hello. It's been 4 months not being here. And now, here I am, in the library of my campus and typing. I feel so depressed and stressed. I just finished my programming practicum and it was failed. Oh you should know how I want to cry. I'm afraid of being failed of my first term. I blame no one. I, myself, am the one who is lazy. I can't handle my activities. I sleep all the time and don't work hard for my study. I really want to call mom and cry saying sorry because I failed for the second time in my programming practicum.

3 years ago, I wrote that senior high school is hard. But well, college life even harder. I know I should enjoy it since this is my biggest dream. I know I'm very irresponsible. Dare to dream but lazy to work. Maybe this is what they call with looking for identity. I even don't know who I am, who I used to be.

It seems like I'm not who I used to be. 

Well, the fact is I'm not a study-oriented girl. It's the only one that never change but the only one that has to be changed. I forget how I can pass my elementary and my high school. I forget how to struggle.

I feel like I'm the stupidest and laziest in the world. I really want to go home and hug mommy and daddy, telling them that this is too hard. Telling them that I need them here. Telling them that I even don't give any effort for my study. I really want to say sorry.

I don't know whether I will change or not after this second failure. I want to grow old be a smarter and better woman. I don't want hurt anyone and myself.

I don't want make anyone and God disappointed of me.

Start from this time, I'm going to work harder together with God. I know God will help me and won't let me fall too far. I know this is hard but I will struggle even harder. God will never let me through it all alone. I believe there's bright future for me as long as I don't give up.
I remember how I depressed in my first year of senior high school. But I passed it well. I believe I will pass this well too. As long as I believe, work and face it with my brightest smile, I will be in other country continuing my master in 2018. Maybe I'm just a hard-adapt girl. For those who feel the same feeling out there, let's struggle together with God. Good luck!

little girl that is growing old

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